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Bored??? Add your best Joke here!
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Bored??? Add your best Joke here! // Roundtable
Post by rjeff // Nov 15, 2007, 4:47am
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rjeff
Total Posts: 1260
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guy walks into a private bar on the second story of a building. There is just one guy sitting there. So the man at the bar looks at the new guy and says "this is a special bar." "Oh" the new guys says. "Yup." "How so". Says the new guy. "Well see thoes chairs"? "Yeah". says the new guy "Well they came off the Titanic". "Wow". "That window over there..it is special" "Really how so"? "Well if you jump out of it, it will blow you back up before you hit the ground". "No"! "Yeah..watch". Sure enough the old guy jumps out and whoosh back up he comes..not only once but several time. "Man I have to try that" says the new guy. So out the window he goes...and..down..down..splat..... bartender..."Superman you can be a jerk when you are drunk" |
Post by Changa // Nov 15, 2007, 6:51am
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Changa
Total Posts: 187
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In small dose vodka is health-giving. In any quantity. |
Post by frank // Nov 15, 2007, 8:35am
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frank
Total Posts: 709
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A guy walks into a doctor's office and says, "Doctor, I think I might be crazy. I think I'm a teepee, then I think I'm a wigwam, then I think I'm a teepee, then a wigwam." The doctor leans back in his chair and says, "I see your problem. You're too tense."
(Two tents) |
Post by manxie // Nov 15, 2007, 9:52am
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manxie
Total Posts: 76
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Morris and his wife Esther went to the seaside every year, and every year Morris would watch the helicopter giving pleasure flights and say, "Esther, I'd
like to ride in that helicopter." Esther always replied, " I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty quid, and fifty quid is fifty quid."
One year Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter now I may never get another chance." To this Esther replied, Morris that helicopter is fifty quid, and fifty quid is fifty quid." The helicopter pilot happened to be walking by and overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal . I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I wont charge you!! But if you say one word, it's fifty quid." Morris and Esther agreed and up they went .
The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoevres, but not a single word was heard. He did his best daredevil tricks over and over again but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly I did everything to get you to yell out, but you didnt, I'm really impressed.
Morris replied,
well to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know fifty quid is fifty quid." |
Post by W!ZARD // Nov 16, 2007, 12:38am
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W!ZARD
Total Posts: 2603
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This guy walks into a doctors office and says "Doctor I think I'm a moth"
The doctor replies, "I'm sorry but I can't help you with that. You need to see a psychologist"
"I know" says the guy, "but your light was on...."
Knock, Knock
Who's there?
Yah.... |
Post by rjeff // Nov 16, 2007, 8:02am
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rjeff
Total Posts: 1260
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ATM INSTRUCTIONS FOR MAN AND WOMAN.
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up
7. Drive off.
*******************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
Unfortunately, most of this part is the Truth.!!!!
1.. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window w it h the machine.
3. Set up parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet .
20.. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place ca rd into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles .
27. Release Parking Brake. |
Post by butterpaw // Nov 16, 2007, 10:14am
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butterpaw
Total Posts: 831
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Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Control Freak - This is where you say Control Freak who! |
Post by jamesmc // Nov 16, 2007, 11:06am
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jamesmc
Total Posts: 2566
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Control Freak Who? |
Post by butterpaw // Nov 16, 2007, 11:33am
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butterpaw
Total Posts: 831
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Awwwww ^_^ :D |
Post by frootee // Nov 18, 2007, 12:12pm
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frootee
Total Posts: 2667
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I went to the doctor the other day, and told him,
"Doctor, it hurts when I do this..." and tapped my elbow
on the counter.
He said, "Then don't do that". |
Post by frootee // Nov 18, 2007, 12:13pm
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frootee
Total Posts: 2667
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Upset guy: Why Did he have to die? Oh No! Why why why did he have to die?
Straight man: Who? Why did Who have to die?
Upset guy: My wife's first husband... WHY did he have to die? |
Post by butterpaw // Nov 18, 2007, 4:46pm
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butterpaw
Total Posts: 831
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@froo... hehehe :rolleyes: |
Post by Nez // Nov 19, 2007, 6:41am
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Nez
Total Posts: 1102
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A few I found recently:
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?" ”
---
“ Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"
---
“ A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
---
“ This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?"
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: "Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight." |
Post by prodigy // Nov 19, 2007, 6:46am
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prodigy
Total Posts: 3029
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HAHAHAHAHAH!!! cool!! hahahahaha.. very nice jokes! :D |
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